Eating a burger is a delicate dance. One wrong move and you’re suddenly covered in pickles, sauce and burger juice. If you’ve ever made the once-in-a-lifetime mistake of ordering a burger on a date, you’ll know this to be painfully true.
So what’s the best way to eat a burger? Is there a right way? And how do you avoid being covered in gooey deliciousness?
Never let go
Eating a burger is much like what Kate Winslet promised to Leonardo DiCaprio at the end of Titanic (before she immediately went and did the opposite); never let go.
Good beef burgers are a bit like cheese – the best ones are the ones that crumble. The juiciness of a great beef patty will compromise the structural integrity of the bun, causing the whole thing to fall apart in your hands.
There is, however, a way to avoid the chaos. The trick is never to put your burger down. From start to finish, you need to hold this glorious beast in your hands. Right up until the final mouthful. No interchanging between burger and fries like a rookie. You have to commit to one or the other (unless you’ve mastered the one-handed hold, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves).
Apply some pressure
Have you ever been handed a beautifully stacked yet unrealistically tall burger at a restaurant? While it’s great to see layer upon layer of beef, cheese, pickles, lettuce, onions, tomatoes, and whatever else has been packed in there, it’s not practical.
Thanks to the laws of gravity, these well-presented delights will come with the inevitable wooden stick plonked right down the middle to keep everything upright. Use this to your advantage.
Before yanking the stick out like an inexperienced idiot, press down on the stack with one hand to stabilise it. Apply some pressure to condense your burger into a reasonably biteable shape. If you’re still unsure, leave the stick in for the first couple of bites until you’re confident that you’ve got it in hand (literally).
If in doubt, cut it out
This tip is a bit like Vegemite. It truly splits the camp. Some people think it’s tidier and more polite to cut your burger while others believe it’s the ultimate sin. Only you can decide what’s right for you. Don’t let peer pressure get to you – it’s a judgement call that only you can make.